An Open Hand

I have learned over the past twenty plus years to live life with an open hand.  Not literally.  But figuratively.  Of all the Ten Commandments, the last one is the most difficult, the most challenging to live by....Thou Shalt Not Covet....in other words....Be Content.  That is hard, especially in today's society as we are bombarded with materialism.  For years I gave up looking at magazines, newspapers, store fliers, and commercials.  I struggled seeing all of those things that I wanted to have...not needed...wanted....and couldn't have.   Bitterness.  Anger.   Discontent ruled in my heart.  Over time I gave all of those desires to my Lord.  I learned Contentment.  I learned Peace.  I learned to hold my wants, my desires, my dreams in an open hand.  If those things came to pass, Great.  If not, OK, it was not meant to be.  My overwhelming desire is to be where God wants, doing what He wants, with what He wants.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Do I still have dreams?  Yes.  Do I still have desires? Yes, but I try to willingly let them go.

What brings all of this up, you may ask.  If you are a friend or family member you know my overwhelming desire is to have our own house.  For the first time, we have been renting for an extended period of time.  The home we live in is very nice, less than ten years old.  The nicest house we have ever lived in.  It is full of beautiful furniture.  Not our own,but beautiful.  But that is the key...my struggle...it is not our own.  For the past year and longer we have been trying to put into place the means to have our own land,our own home.   It has been a roller coaster to say the least.  There are times the dream seems so realistic, my hopes soar, my Pinterest board grows, I'm on cloud nine and then something happens, the bubble bursts, I crash emotionally, tears, and then I hold out my hand and say to my Lord, "Your will be done." My ever present prayer has been that if this is not His will, don't let it happen.  Close the door.  Don't let the builder approves us.  Don't let the bank approve us.  Make it obvious.  But if everyone says it's possible, it's doable, then let it happen.

So here we are.  We met with the builder last week and he gave us the final cost to do all that we want for our future home.  Reality set in and my husband and I have had to come to terms that there are things on our wish list that need to go.  Hand open, let it go.  We went to the bank and they said everything looks good and they would have no trouble lending to us.  The payments are more than we would like but doable.  Things are looking good.  The excitement is growing.  I think this is really going to happen.  New news came down the pipeline last night that might sabotage the whole thing.  Not going into specifics right now.  This post is long enough.  Anger. Tears. Hand is open.  Isn't this what I have been praying for?